
I'd like to apologize in advance. This is not a post of encouragement. This is a post on my battle, my loss, today after reading a post on
Trust. If you don't want to read about the ramblings of my mind or are looking for encouragement, you might want to click away now. You don't have to comment either, it won't bother me, infact today, I don't know if I'd care; besides I've been wondering lately why I publish anyway. It seems like...... whatever..
I started off wrong today... rushed my devotions with not much heart in them.
That being said and known; knowing that was my first mistake this morning.
Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is that small, quiet voice at the end of the day that says: "I will try again tomorrow."
So "
I will try again tomorrow!"
But today.....?
Trust?
I've only read Chapter 1 of Steve's Mirror and I want to, but don't want to, keep reading. The low spots, the feeling are very real to me. I can't count the times I've been driving and have scared myself by looking at trees, guard rails, on coming traffic.... with the deep desire to hit it... HARD.... hard enough.... the quicker the better. Scared because I feel my hands starting to drift..... and the only thing stopping me is the larger fear of not knowing 110% if I commit suicide, "Will I still get into Heaven?"
Trust or the lack there of..... or the breaking my legs out from under me.... or the walking out on a limb just to have it cut off behind me and then having to walk out on it again, and again, and again, and again.......
And the not sure if I can even "Trust myself, my mind, my fear, my anger, my hate."
These are my ramblings, my thought processes, my "battles" which seem daily.
I've been struggling for about six years on this "
trust" issue, among others; just about all my Christian walk. Telling myself that I can trust God no matter what, even if I can't trust anyone else..... Not even my church..... but never getting an "answer" from God until the hindsight....
I CAN trust God no matter what.... that is very, very obvious to me.
But what about everyone else.... what about me.... how do I RELEARN to trust that again....
I posted on "Giving Freely" about just that, but not all of my feelings.
And about forgiveness in "Restitution", but not all of my feelings.
After awhile of walking out on those branches of trust, then having them cut off so you are dashed upon the rocks..... you start to wonder..... "how many branches are on this tree.....", "how many times, or how long will, that freely given heart and mind last before it just SNAPS". "Is this tree going to be just a pole soon?" Many a days have come and gone where my only comfort would have been a straight jacket. And I find myself with the deep, driven, painful feelings of crying and screaming...... but not having any emotions left to do it with..... just numb, empty, angry, bitter.... a void.... Totally blank except the hate of exsistance.... hating the smell of my breath knowing it means I'm still alive.
The emotions I've felt come from more than just the stabs in the back I've received. I don't have time or room to write it all. But some of those questions and feelings came back to me today like a gun shot. Not just the trust stuff, but loneliness and isolation, church, pain (physical pain), gossip, politics.....etc.....
Now I have to stop writing..... Refocus..... think: "Big Picture."
I wish you all could see my smile tonight. God IS so amazing.... and to see the past and to know it's the PAST..... and that I can't go back and start over, but that I can start from now and make a new ending, with the grace and strength of my savior, Christ. Knowing that the feelings I've wrote about can and are put to rest in Christ and His love.
God has a Great sense of humor.... doesn't He? Knowing my feelings I decide to walk away from work for a minute.... (the bathroom).... and read.
I read first:
Romans 6: 6 For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. 7 Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be. 8 So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God. 9 But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his. 10 And if Christ be in you, the body is dead because of sin; but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11 But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwelleth in you. 12 Therefore, brethren, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live after the flesh. 13 For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live. 14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. 15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. 16 The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: 17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. 18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. 19 For the earnest expectation of the creature waiteth for the manifestation of the sons of God. 20 For the creature was made subject to vanity, not willingly, but by reason of him who hath subjected the same in hope, 21 Because the creature itself also shall be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation groaneth and travaileth in pain together until now. 23 And not only they, but ourselves also, which have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting for the adoption, to wit, the redemption of our body. 24 For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? 25 But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it. 26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
and then:
Philippians 4: 8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. 9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you. 10 But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again; wherein ye were also careful, but ye lacked opportunity. 11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. 12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. 14 Notwithstanding ye have well done, that ye did communicate with my affliction.
Now that I re-read this I guess there is encouragement in it.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, and for me today, its starting with my prayer before I crawl into bed. "I will try again tomorrow"